literature

Creepypasta Short: Nightmares

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InvaderIka's avatar
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Literature Text

    Ally woke up, screaming as the fading dream disappears from her vision as she sits up. Her heart pounding in her ears as she clutched her aching head. It was the same dream, the same bloody nightmare that she had every night. It always seems to be the same event- of her being struck over and over by a matron- a nurse in an outfit similar to her mothers- with an hatchet. Blood and the pain would be all over the place and then..she would wake up. This time though it seemed that the nightmare got more violent than ever with more pain and more blood spraying all over the echo of the stout woman in her dream.
    < Is everything alright Ally? > Ally looked up to see Slenderman by her bed, tears running down her cheeks as she shook her head- she wasn't fine and very frighten. "Daddy, the bad dreams won't stop. The mean lady keeps hitting me over and over- why won't she stop Daddy? Why won't she stop?" She cried out, and buried her face into Slender's suit, crying more accompanied with sobs. He embraces her, stroking her as he looks down. < Shhh..its only a Nightmare child. Only a bad dream..shh..hush now. > Slender said, trying to calm his adoptive daughter's worried mind. Lies. That's all he tells her these days. Lies to cover up the truth.
    He knew that the "nightmares" Ally had were only memories of a past life- one that was cut short by murder. Her own murder. The truth was too much for her so he kept it hidden away. If she ever heard about it, she couldn't handle it.
    "Daddy?"
    < Yes Ally? > Slender inquired, his train of thought breaking as he looked down to see her tear stained face.
   "Where's Mommy?"  She asked pitifully, looking down as she let go of him and cuddled with her voodoo doll.
    It was the question that Slender seemed to always dread- one that he couldn't answer truthfully. < She is...out somewhere...she will come back > He told her stroking her long white hair. More lies. More lies to Ally's face, something that Slender couldn't do without regret.
    < Now..go back to sleep. > He ordered, tucking her in.
    "Where is she?" Ally persisted as she saw Slender standing up off of her bed and leaving the room.
    < Safe. Safe and will be back. Now do you want anything Ally? Anything to keep the bad dreams away? > He asked lightheartedly, trying to put a smile on her face. No smile came, only distant blue eyes that were wet with tears. "No....no..good night Daddy." Ally said, rolling over to face the wall and was slowly fell into a uneasy sleep.  Slenderman watched and sighed, going out of the room. Soon, he would try to tell her many things. Her "mothers" death during the first World War, the other darker side of her and the only thing she may never know: the truth of her existence..as an adoptive daughter of a German myth and a doll. But for now, the truth can wait.
    For the truth can bring out Nightmares among the shadows.
    Especially in Ally's soul.
   
  
A little short with Ally and Slenderman. Might do these more often.

Enjoy~

Slenderman (c) Creepypasta
Ally (c) me
© 2014 - 2024 InvaderIka
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Enemom's avatar
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty::star-empty: Impact

The fact Slenderman is in here yet the story is part of "creepypasta" kinda ruins the entire momentum of the story when you also take into the account of the other flaws of this piece.

First off...uh, why is Slenderman talking? And why is Ally calling him daddy? The point I'm trying to make is this isn't good writing. The horror factor is completely gone and so is all sense of what Slenderman a good monster to begin with. If you're going to write a story involving Slenderman, don't take him so out of character that the plot becomes awful and groan inducing. Actually write horror which makes sense. Slenderman isn't her "dad," that is just you writing silliness. The other flaws of the piece can be drawn back to that point as well. Because you took a horrorifying monster and made him fluffier than the world's largest pillow, people are gonna get tired of reading because they've read too many cliched stories like it before. Try and keep the fear factor here, because it's obvoius you're trying to write a horror story. Now, as for what's good...formatting, punctuation, grammar, indenting, and the story ends quite decently. That's it.

Overall, it's not a super entertaining story to read. A poorly represented character and a clichéd concept involving said character just ruin the story because there isn't any horror here, and it's obvious that's what you were going for. Next time, accurately portray said character and maybe you've got some good horror material to work with.